When you’re stuck at home for over a week, no matter how much you try to keep some semblance of a schedule, you find yourself asking questions like “Did I brush my teeth this morning?” and “Did I ever end up taking that shit yesterday or was that the day before?”
If you are like me, you’re in quarantine by yourself so this is a one person Q&A session in which you learn that apparently your ability to manage basic bodily functions depended upon going out in public at specified times every day.
Another thing I learned today is that the government taxes severance pay. I assume they just want to make it hurt extra to make sure you can still feel anything.
I keep seeing that the government will send us all $1,200 – the senate is voting on it today – which is great but also I have a feeling they don’t use Venmo and that this might take some time and effort on our parts. Not that I have a recommendation for how best to go about this. I have never claimed to be good at large scale logistics and sure I was an accounting assistant but for like a 20 person company…why do I feel like I’m in a job interview with myself? Oh, right, because America never just takes care of its people without having them “earn” it.
Why isn’t our actual official motto “There’s no such thing as a free lunch”? Does the country have a motto? I know states do. Virginia’s is “Sic semper tyrannis” which means “thus always to tyrants.” It’s admittedly a little lame and useless without the accompanying graphic of a man standing on top of another man. Do other states’ mottos require visual aids?
Of course now that I’ve actually sat down to do some work I really do need to take that shit that I’m pretty sure never happened yesterday. Also, I just put a tampon in, so there goes that rare resource.
No one really talks about how complicated tampons and pooping is. For those who aren’t aware, you can keep a tampon in while you pee (although it should be changed at least every 8 hours lest you DIE INSTANTLY of toxic shock syndrome according to everyone’s 6th grade health class), but you kind of have to tuck the string up momentarily so you don’t get pee all over the string. It’s much tougher to try to keep one in while pooping, though. For one thing, you just don’t want to risk getting the string tangled up in that mess but primarily, it’s just difficult to keep it in. The reason most women shit while giving birth (if you didn’t already know this, congrats you’re learning two things) is the same reason it’s hard to keep a tampon in while pooping – you’re pushing with the same muscles.
You might be wondering what the big deal is about taking a tampon out every time you go to the bathroom. “Surely, you must have to swap them out frequently anyways and you have enough control over your bowels to space these visits out accordingly,” you might be thinking.
You have so much faith in me.
First of all, I don’t have very much control to begin with. Secondly, it’s not always so simple. Some days of your period are quite light. On those days, you might put one in and have to poop an hour later and since your period is so light it’s quite painful to take the tampon out because it’s basically a dry wad of cotton. Furthermore, having your period can make your poops quite unpredictable. We call these Period Poops. They’re similar to Booze Poops in consistency, urgency, and surprise. So I might have just put one in while going pee and then suddenly needed to shit 10 minutes later and there goes a hardly used tampon during a pandemic with a shortage of resources.
Midnight Oatmeal 