My posts of late have been kind of heavy and I don’t know how you all feel but I decided I need a fun one and I’ve decided that my journal entry from yesterday is it.
Normally when I write in my journal it’s because I’m super overwhelmingly upset about something but I’m trying to change that. Below is the entry in full without any alterations aside from some notes that will appear in bold to help explain wtf is happening:
10/7/18
I’m not sure if I have anything specific to say I just felt inspired to write something.
I have a cold which is kind of annoying but it’s not as bad as they sometimes are/used to be.
I usually don’t pick this pen because ithe (it’s) the weird looking clear kind that’s transparent (not the clear kind that’s not transparent) and like octagonal and this one doesn’t even have a cap. But I’m noticing it’s actually producing decent handwriting. Or maybe that’s more to do with the fact that I’m not hyper-emotional right now.
I mean who thought this was a good shape for a pen? I keep having to spin it around so one of its millions of corners isn’t stabbing my thumb. I just realized how sad it is that this pen just had to write its own insults.
I’m sorry, pen. You’re great. Also I’m hardly perfect. I’m so out of the practice of writing that my hand is already cramping and my writing os barely legible. Look at that crappy “M” (The M in “I”m sorry, pen” looks more like an “n” wearing a Charlie Brown sweater).
I used to think I was bad at writing w/pen and paper because I think so fast it’s impossible to get it all and I can’t even type that fast let alone drag an octagonal pen across paper.
But maybe people used to be more patient with themselves. Maybe they were better at holding onto thoughts. Or maybe they learned to not care if they lost one.
I’ve always been so bothered by losing a thought. And I can almost always remember them so I can’t even let myself forget and move on.
I have this weird ability to remember shit by category. Like I’ll have no idea what I was about to say but I’ll know it was something that was worrying me because I’ll still feel anxious so then I just run through a list of what I might have felt anxious about and eventually I find it. It’s not just anxiety. Like I’ll remember if it was about sex or a fight with a friend or political. It just has to do with how I related to it emotionally b/c my body holds onto the emotion even if my brain has lost the thought. And almost no thought makes me feel nothing (and I dramatically underlined “nothing” with its own g curl for emphasis).
Ok but also I do think fast as fuck. Like often I’ll be in therapy and we’ll have just been discussing something deep like how 10 year old Arielle inside of me feels like she’s not allowed to say something wrong because she doesn’t deserve love and then I’ll look off to the side and she’ll be like “What does that bring up for you?” And I’ll be like “Honestly, I mean I felt that, but for at least the last 5 seconds I’ve been thinking about how I have to do laundry later and I always want to use the verb launder but that feels like it can only be used for money but that’s probably why it’s called money laundering – you’re making dirty money clean.”
My therapist is very patient, but I guess that’s most of the job.
The only thing she needs to work on are her clock checking sneaks.
Multiple times lately I’ve looked back and she’s quickly stopped looking at the clock.
And I mostly feel weird not acknowledging it. Like I know you have to keep track of the time. And I know it must be so hard. And I’m sure you’re worried I’ll feel like this means you’re not listening to me. But I know you can do both. Would it help if I checked the clock instead? Or maybe we should just get a huge necklace clock like that one rapper…what the fuck is his name. I mean it’s time related, isn’t it? Oh, no. It’s Flava Flave. that has nothing to do with time.
I’ve already decided I’m making this a blog post. I don’t even know if it’s good or if I’ve just grown self indulgent b/c my tweet about Big Mouth went viral and I need more hits of that sweet sweet validation.
(Then there’s a large arrow pointing up to “sweet sweet validation” and under it reads “genuine concern.”)
I’m going to wrap this up now.
I Love You
(And then I underlined it about 8 times and one of them was more like a cross out)
that’s an underline not a cross out! I Do love you!
Arielle
Midnight Oatmeal 